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[21 Jan 2012|02:47am] |
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I just thought to myself, "Man, I'm really looking forward to my adventure" and then I remembered a certain kind of adventure feeling and it filled me with dread. Also the name of this song I'm listening to.
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[21 Jan 2012|02:37am] |
Man, abruptly finding out that I have no job really has a way of throwing off my night. Actually, it's just been a weird night in general. Being strange, feeling strange, getting strange news. Feeling like I'm falling back into limbo. Waiting for something. A job, I guess. A schedule. An ability to plan ahead. Can't really leave the city until I have a job and a schedule. Gunna have to start selling my stuff soon.
On the bright side, SHIT IS GETTING WEIRD in good ways. Foreboding, but that's the unfamiliar for you, I guess.
I would feel better if two specific, unrealistic things were different. Of course I tend to see everything that is not real as unrealistic. Which seems fair. But it might be realistic that one of these changes will occur in the future. I can't even guess at the other one. I can only hope. Although I don't really hope, because I can't even imagine whatever. Maybe I am hoping. Can't tell. Can people usually tell that kind of thing?
Almost every thing is in transition. At least more things than usual. I am in progress. I'm a rather frightened person. Hopefully that won't hold be back too much.
There's this thing sticking into my brain like a tiny shard of glass stuck in your hand. Can't get used to it, keeps irritating you, doesn't heal or go away.
I'm just squirming about in the dark, over here. I keep thinking I should be flailing, though.
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[25 Dec 2011|01:35pm] |
These past few days have probably been some of the darkest of my life. I just feel shitty about everything. I don't know. I've probably felt this way before, but that doesn't matter.
I guess no one reads this anymore, but that's okay. I don't really have anyone to talk to and this is better than nothing.
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[22 Dec 2011|11:58pm] |
I'm starting to notice that I'm feeling despair. Despair and self pity and apathy. No easy way out of that. I guess I just can't let that matter and somehow keep my mind together and in a useful place as much as possible.
Being lost can make you feel pretty free, but right now I'm feeling claustrophobic.
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[20 Dec 2011|12:29am] |
Well, looks like it's time to talk about boners.
So here was my approximate train of thought:
"Hmm, I can't sleep. I should masturbate. That will help. Gotta think about ladies then. Okay, possibly construct some kind of fantasy? Maybe try to think of specific ladies I know." Now I have to start the fantasy in a realistic way, so I start thinking about ladies I might potentially want to date. There aren't really any except some women I'm trying to convince myself to consider. Start thinking about the specifics. One girl, I'm concerned she likes pop culture too much. She likes politics though, so that's good. At least she cares about stuff. I don't like politics though. But that doesn't mean I don't care about politics, I just don't think it's efficient for me to involve myself too much in politics right now. Gotta try to affect politics in a more indirect fashion. Like what Neil deGrasse Tyson said about changing culture before changing politics (He was talking about science, but I'm paraphrasing here). Now I am thinking about Neil deGrasse Tyson and I no longer have anything close to an erection.
I feel like this says something about something, but I'm not sure what that is. Possibly that I have a lot on my mind and not a lot of ability to focus.
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[11 Dec 2011|01:55pm] |
Today is going to be a good day. It's going to be the right kind of day. The kind of new normal I have to create for myself.
I had a dream this morning. I was reluctantly part of a science class which took place on an upper floor of an old building in a downtown area. Very much like Montreal, or a ruined downtown street somewhere in Europe during WWII. Hard to tell, exactly since most of it was covered in clouds. Dark clouds, like rain clouds. Or maybe just darkness. A familiar haze which I can only see in dreams but is always there when I'm awake.
But anyway, in this science class we were making models to demonstrate principles of hydrodynamics. Just crappy little high school models, you know? Mine were kinda half-assed, but clever enough to do well. I think me and my partner made a few of these, and somehow we got to make use of the class' pressurized deep-sea diving suit, which was to be fed down through a well in the closet (the classroom was a dingy, ruined bedroom with a wall blown out by the staircase, I think. It was a great staircase. You know how I love staircases). I was obviously terrified at the prospect of relying on this probably very breakable suit to carry me into a vast, dark, hostile environment. Deep dark ocean is one of my biggest fears (gas giants in the same category). My partner went first, and I fed the air hose. Something almost went wrong with the line feed system, and we had no way of communicating with the diver. (s)he managed to get out, but one got the impression that it was a narrow escape. We stopped for the day, and me and my partner (who I never really saw in detail and whose character kept changing. I think (s)he was some kind of guide - just a little stronger than me; helping me to stay strong and act.) headed home. That part is hazy. At some point, I resolved that I must overcome my fear and dive down that dark closet well. We headed out to make our way through the ruble to the school building. We took a light armour tracked transport vehicle (not a tank. it had no gun) and wore military camo. We were in hostile territory, and had to move carefully. We abandoned our vehicle in a tight alley way and continued on foot in a crouched half-run. We came across a soccer field where people in 19th century english school uniforms were playing soccer. One of the boys was our rival, and called us out. He attacked my friend. I was scared of this guy and wanted to help my friend. I pulled out my pocket knife and stabbed him twice. Once in the back of the arm, and once in the lower back. He reeled around and took out an axe. An axe very similar to the axe in my kitchen. A beautiful axe; too small to be a splitting axe, but too big to be a hatchet, but not a bad size for hand-to-hand combat. It's very old and made of medium carbon steel as one can tell from the rust-pitted texture and the mushroomed out butt, and the dents and scratches from a lifetime of work. He attacked me, and somehow, through my fear and axe-inflicted injuries I managed to get him to the ground and take his axe just in time to defend myself against the school master who was standing above us with an even larger axe raise above his head. I hooked my axe into my rival's shoulder, and dug my heel into his stomach, giving me leverage to raise his still-living body over my head in time to shield myself from the school master's axe. I managed to use this boy's corpse as a human shield through quite a few vicious blows. I don't think this fight really ended before I woke up, but I remember the feeling of having an axe head between my teeth (I remember the texture that I know so well from my own axe) and having it violently wrenched out. I woke up with sore teeth.
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[07 Dec 2011|02:35am] |
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I don't think I really think in language. This is definitely part of the reason I'm bad at school and my writing tends to be brief and cryptic.
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[05 Dec 2011|12:51am] |
When I was little, my favorite toy was always a toy sword. I would always be very concerned about the construction of the sword and it's structural integrity and it's feel. I hated the cheap, soft plastic, hollow swords. They always bent when you hit something with them, and they felt light and flaccid, and cheap. I always liked the nice, solid ones. They were always injection molded hard plastic, with a glossy blade and a matte handle. They had a good balance to them and felt active in the hand. Eventually I graduated to wood, and then to metal (since I always wanted a better sword), and from stainless steel and welded tang to high carbon steel with a peind tang.
I also always liked forts. My bed throughout most of high school was a permanent fort with a blanket tied up as a curtain since I shared a room with my brother. Now I'm building monkey bars in my room, and I only have the frame and one bar built but it gives a fort kinda feel to my room.
12 year old me would love my room.
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[03 Dec 2011|08:32pm] |
I'm finally working out more of this big thing that has been bothering me for about a year now. I'm starting to see it for what it is: A kind of violent transitional period. Mentally, I've been working towards it for a long time, but I think the real and literal removal of myself from the education system (and the traditional middle class way of life if encourages) will come with a significant mental shift as well. I'm starting to realize I'm well prepared and can actually begin living in a new way - that is with a new approach to living and thinking about living. I will be responsible not only for my actions, but also for the content of my actions. Pretty flippin' exciting.
I'm making a stencil right now. Cutting it out of plastic sheet so I can spray paint this thing all over town. Once I start doing that, I'll have officially started on my secret project which is the first major project I'll be working on purely for my own reasons. I hope this will snowball, and I'll get more efficient and more creative with my time and space and resources. Man. I think I could do some pretty cool shit.
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[30 Nov 2011|11:24am] |
Feels like everything has stopped. I'm lost somewhere deep in montreal and, as usual, I'm not sure how I got here or how to get out. And the wander lust is back again, before the winter this time. Hmm. This is not stressing me out at the moment (well, except the wander lust part). Feels more like a puzzle. I'm better equipped for it this time. Hopefully that might snowball a bit.
Okay, now I'm getting nervous about this. Gunna be a long fucking winter. Should I maybe think about california and south america less? Gotta get out of me head somehow.
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[09 Sep 2011|09:31pm] |
Okay, so I have this idle idea that I should start going on dates with ladies. Maybe to convince myself I could still possibly have romantic feelings for someone? I don't know. I seem to be kind of messed up in that department. But if I learn how to talk to ladies then this will be a valuable skill to have and I will get a better idea of what I like about humans, right?
What do you think, people who still check El Jay?
Should I figure out how to talk to ladies and ask them to coffee or something? Or would that be a pointless exercise leading only to unreasonable complication and drama with no real gain for anyone involved? Or is that worry just masking my fear of putting myself out there? Like, I don't even know how to ask dudes out of dude-dates.
Or, alternatively, should I stick with my usual method of just making friends and seeing what evolves organically?
Or should I perhaps figure out how better to talk to humans that I don't know? Maybe I don't want to let go of all my childish reservation just now.
Or maybe you have some insight into this situation that I had not previously considered?
This is a very complicated problem, which is not even that important, but I feel the need to address my concern that perhaps I am being cowardly.
Please respond to this post with words.
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[01 Sep 2011|12:44pm] |
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Trying to chill the fuck out.
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[01 Sep 2011|04:25am] |
I feel like a child.
I'm very aware, today, of my arrogance and jealousy and pettiness.
Becoming a person is very difficult. I tried to remember that when that kid on the plane would not stop yelling. I felt his pain. For all my years, so many of my sorrows still revolve around this kid's basic issue. Why not for me?
I guess this is an update on my ill-defined concerns.
I'm still recovering from being born, but I'm making progress. I'm still struggling with the synonymous natures of life and death.
jkln/m;hjlbkg
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[22 Aug 2011|01:36am] |
I don't have any idea what other people need. I seem to have no problem believing that whatever revelation I happen to be experiencing is totally relevant to everyone else, though.
I do think I'm getting better at this, though.
I have a lot of things in my head that could come out in some way but I seem unable to make them do that. They need to do it on their own somehow.
I have no conclusion to this confusing collection of words.
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[06 Aug 2011|07:27pm] |
I am obviously very lonely on this trip. I think that's a large portion of why I had to do this.
I kinda love the road. I feel happy there often. Lots of other feelings too though.
I've tried hanging around towns and trying to have fun and get to know them, but that mostly makes me bored and anxious and more lonely. I feel like I should give that up and embrace the road in its purity. Just run the rest of the way. As far and fast as I can.
I reply need to embrace and hopefully address all this loneliness and sadness and whatever.
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[06 Aug 2011|07:20pm] |
I feel like I need to talk to someone who is close enough to this situation to give me some insight, but there is no one like that who I can actually mention this to, I think. Not without something unnecessarily uncomfortable happening, anyway.
Everything about this is frustrating. Especially the futility of this thing, and the obviousness of the outcome.
let me just say: FGHIJLHSDKNCMVL:JKDFLBIGWE
P.S., Dear people I know: This has nothing to do with anything.
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[22 Jul 2011|05:09pm] |
As we all know, it is very easy to demonize someone who we don't know and can't see.
The problem is that we hardly know this at all. Only as an occasional surface thought.
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[21 Jun 2011|08:45pm] |
Guys, I miss being in Love. Have you every been in love?
I'm not sure I really remember what it was like. I also worry that it will never happen again, and that I have lost the ability to connect with people, but I'm sure those fears are unfounded.
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[10 Jun 2011|05:33pm] |
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I am an artist without a medium.
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[09 Jun 2011|11:39pm] |
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The hare won the race, but the tortoise kept on going because he knew it was never a race.
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